Post Draft

Rankings for September 3rd 2020:

  1. Young, Dumb and Full of Come (Pratt)
    Did you know Miles Sanders starts his twitter handle with boobie? Boobie Miles. @BoobieMilesXXIV to be exact. Who wouldn't want Boobie being their running back. Boobie, with Edwards-Helaire and Super Kamario, makes a stacked committee with three possible RB1s. Adding on Hopkins, Woods, and a Bill defense that has a 50% chance of making Darnold see ghosts week one, makes this team looks great on paper.

    Boobie2020.


  1. Chubb Dingus (Mike)
    DDDAMMMN. That's what you spell if you arrange the first letter of each player in the Chubb's starting lineup, minus the Chargers because it doesn't fit my narrative. Keeping your main signatures of Nick Chubb and Austin Ekeler, pairing them with a fine appetizer of Michael Thomas and DeVante Adams, with a devilish DeVante Parker dessert, all served by DeShaun Watson. You might be coming back to this restaurant week and week out.


  1. Mr. McGibblets (Sikora)
    Gi(b)blets; plural, archaic: "Odds and ends: trifles the great ladies with their grace, lace, and gibblets."

    Say you're 24-25 again. Foundation is still the hottest nightclub without a drug bust and your boys Godwin and Ridley want to go out and party. They've been there before and loved the ride. You get to the club but having a line of five running backs sitting on the bench outside, you wonder if you'll be able to see the headliner before midnight. Low and behold, Todd and Brandin, who you didn't even see AT ALL during last year's shows, open up the back door and let you all in. Even the man himself, Saquon Barkley is inside, as he leads you to a VIP lounge. Scantily clad women are dancing all around the velvet rope, asking if they can join you and your gibblets. Will the champagne pour again in 2020? (Actual reference to Mr. McGibblets here and here.)


  1. Prime Time (Joe)
    “What separates us is that we expect to be great.” Deion Sanders.

    With Mahomes, Elliott, Cook, and Hollywood Brown... man. That's a damn good start. Burning through $130+ dollars in the first thirty minutes gave me flashbacks to playing Aurora blackjack tables with Sedenquist, Slee and Soroosh. In true Players Club fashion, Joe kept backup cash in his pocket in case he loses the first chunk. With that cash, he turned in an impressive return of depth. Mecole Hardman can turn into Tyreek Hill this season. Hayden Hurst can pull off of an Austin Hooper 2.0. CeeDee Lamb, Deebo, and Mack... good chance Joe can wait to cash out until winning the championship.


  1. Usa Da Booma (Connor)
    Connor has been clamoring for the playoffs and 2020 may be his year, cause 2020 is fucked. A combination of Aaron Jones, Kenyan Drake, and a "healthy" James Conner makes for an under-rated, but very good RB core. He went full Al Davis and draft the fastest WRs in the league. AJ Brown (20.2 yards PER reception), Tyreek Hill (4.34; 40 yd), TY Hilton (4.39; 40 yard), and Mike Williams (20.4 yards PER reception). Boom or bust wide receivers will make you wildly inconsistent, but get those guys to booma on the right week, Usa could see his more wins than losses this year.


  1. Deals On Wheelz (Wheeler)
    Choo-fucking-choo. Here comes the power running game. Henry and Carson aren't going to catch many passes, however the yards and touchdowns will be arriving faster than the Ronald Jones Hype Train collapsing for the third year in a row. The wide receiving core is more reliable than an overinflated stock market, having Juliooo (not Emeliooo, the Mighty Ducks fan) and Hot Locketts with a "What Can Kelce do for You?" package arriving at your door. Will Fuller fully stay healthy this year? The hype train on him left the station two months ago and is still going on full speed. An incredibly solid team from top to bottom.

    It's almost like Amanda drafted for him this year.


  1. Purple People Eaters (Drew)
    In a rare move, Drew added a second manager minutes before the draft, with him and Andrew becoming a DD braintrust. Drew drafting the core of the squad and Andrew feeding him video highlights was reminiscent of Belichick/Dog approach. Is it a coincidence he has a TE by the name of Man Drews? No. No it's not. He locked in the smooth sounds of Kenny G for an instant team morale boost. If that wasn't enough, DJ DK will be doing a B2B set after Kenny's opener. This has the makings of a very good show in 2020.


  1. Christian McDangus (Axel)
    Originally released in 1996, GameShark gave users an extra edge when needing to pass a difficult crux in a video game. In 2020, Axel is still using Christian McCaffrey, which is basically doing the same exact thing. The supporting cast to the all mighty is... questionable. Who knows if Newton, Green, or Thielen will stay healthy. And Le'Veon Bell still has Adam "Butthole" Gase (SFW) as his head coach. So, of course, Frank Gore will be the RB1 on the Jets. But when you have McCaffrey on your team, you'll always have the edge.


  1. Gary Busey (Gavin)
    For the first time ever, we saw an owner withdraw their $200 in auction money, deposit it into their Robinhood account, make calls on Tesla, puts on Microsoft, make $7k in tendies, subsequently lose on LiveNation calls, come back an hour and half later with their $200 and start drafting their team. It was a bold move and truth be told, the bold move might pay off. On paper, there aren't any five star stocks, but the portfolio doesn't have any penny stocks either. It's a facinitiatin combination of a steady index fund, ala MING, KEEN, MCLAU, JCOOK, SDIGG, DMONY, RMOST, CAKER, RJII [Should have bought puts on RJII]. By seasons end, this index could surprise us all an pay out. Watch out for this one, cause the money printer goes brrrr.


  1. Not Even My Final Form (Dro)
    I feel dirty ranking Drovetto this low after placing second last year and having drafted a running back into his QB spot. The two TE strategy is a bold move and the Denver RB/WR stack is bolder. David Johnson is #1 RB in Houston and heavy workloads always produce fantasy points; regardless of efficiency. Courtland Sutton looked like a legit WR1 last year and Jarvis Landry may be the most criminally undervalued and disrespected player in fantasy. Every year in the past five years, he's put up over 975 yards, with over 1100 three of those times.

In the words of Connor, "When are we going to see your final form?"

I need a shower.


  1. Feathered Serpents (Grady)
    I got curious on the lore of a "feathered serpent" and went to Wikipedia. "A prominent supernatural entity or deity, found in many Mesoamerican religions. It is still called Quetzalcoatl."

     Okay, that makes sense. Grady's team used to be called Quetzalcoatl. But what does it, like... do? "He was known as the inventor of books and the calendar, the giver of maize (corn) to mankind, and sometimes as a symbol of death and resurrection."

    Cool, cool, cool. Makes sense why Grady drafted Fournette now. He predicted him being cut by the Jaguars and will rise again [Tom Brady says hello]. Similar with JuJu and OBJ. Bad years in 2019; Resurrecting into top 12 finishes in 2020. Probably not, but who am I to judge. Last question... what's Quetzalcoatl's stance on alcohol? Nothing like a smooth lager for some Sunday football. "Quetzalcoatl was coerced by Tezcatlipoca into becoming drunk on pulque, cavorting with his older sister...Quetzalcoatl, feeling shame and regret, had his servants build him a stone chest, adorn him in turquoise, and then, laying in the chest, set himself on fire..."

    Huh... Damn. Let's hope the Feathered Serpents have a better fate. I'm not giving away my stash of turquoise to Grady.


  1. I Lockett Rough Bud Light Lime (JT)

Some things stay consistent, year in, year out. Early summer rain in Seattle. Grilled pineapple on a tacos chukis. And a cold bud light during a tailgate. Being six beers in, it tastes oddly refreshing and delicious (DJ Moore, Darren Waller), but leave it alone for too long and it'll taste like piss (Melvin Gordon, Kyle Rudolph, Larry Fitzgerald, Randall Cobb).